ECLECTIC EDITOR’S BLOG FEBRUARY 1, 2006 TO MARCH 17, 2006   3-17-06   ST. PATRICK’S DAY: YES, I’M PART IRISH NEW ADDITIONS TO THE WEBSITE MAIL FROM INDIA (ARRIVED THIS TIME)     ST. PATRICK’S DAY: YES, I’M PART IRISH (from the Gallagher family)   I made shortbread, wore green, and practiced dancing Celtic style (think Riverdance with unceremonious kicking about that will improve with years of practice). BUT, I was cooped up working with my editorial assistant. She was archiving Humdinger Literary E-zine January 2006. I was answering e-mails, editing submissions, posting additions to the website, and teaching my assistant bits and pieces of everything about Humdinger.   NEW ADDITIONS TO THE WEBSITE   New cool things are: I added my list of Inspirational Movies to the Songs of Inspiration page, which you can visit by clicking here. Never worry about getting lost doing that. Just hit the back arrow on your browser to return. I also added my new Lighthouse Fascination picture page, which also has some interesting pictures from Nova Scotia, Canada.   MAIL FROM INDIA (ARRIVED THIS TIME)   The other day, I wrote about an author who sent me a letter. Since the postal address didn’t have my zipcode, it traveled a bit and by the time it reached me, there was no letter. However, today I received a book of poetry from the same author and am thrilled to receive words from overseas. I’ve learned to think more technologically, but I don’t believe anything on the computer screen will thrill me as much as what I hold in my hands. I just had a vision though, and that was of me in bed, reading on a handheld electronic book that weighs the same as the paper books we read today. Because it’s electronic, I don’t have to turn on the light to read. Yeah, it might be convenient, but can you imagine holding an electronic book to your chest, thrilled with the book’s ending? Paper, paper, paper! I hear the masses chant.     3-16-06 Did You Know? 2% of Texas has burned in wildfires since December 2005.   The desire to write grows with writing. Desiderius Erasmus 1466-1536 (Some of today’s quotes come from the Dutch humanist/ philosopher/ scholar/ priest and author of “In Praise of Folly,” one of the first successful condemnations of Catholic Church abuses—although he slammed merchants and philosophers too!)     GET YOUR MUSE BACK- SEVERAL STEPS TO HUNT DOWN YOUR WRITING INSPIRATION (Location, Company, Music); MY EMBARRASSING CONUNDRUM   GET YOUR MUSE BACK   I always liked the title How Stella Got Her Groove Back. I believe we should proactively seek our happiness. Do you chase your inspiration/muse?   I thought this subject might be newsletter fodder, and maybe I’ll add it, but I had to tell you what happened to me yesterday. Inspiration! You’ll Never guess what inspired me, so I’ll let it out: the children’s section of Half Price Books. I suspect the same feeling could’ve come from any major bookseller’s children’s section that is divided apart from the rest of the store.   SEEK THE RIGHT LOCATION   There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other. Desiderius Erasmus     I walked in the children’s book section, not knowing what I sought, and within minutes, a very strange thing began. Music poured into my mind. When I hear music, I am truly touched, and I hear classical music of my mind’s composition: a full orchestra playing. I wish for that reason I was a classical pianist, but I tried and my fingers wouldn’t work as I wished ;-) When the music arrives, not long after my body and mind follow. I reverently touched books and eventually found one I ended up purchasing. It was a children’s fantasy about a girl who visits a virtual reality world and can’t escape unless she does what’s necessary to win the game. Unfortunately, she’s a lousy player! (This should tell you something was amiss. An adult purchasing a children’s book?) Beyond the book though, I had to sit and let the creative juices flow around and into me. This is where I grew up: in bookstores and libraries and where language carved itself into me. I had returned to the fantasy hero’s home, the beginning of the tale. (Your library is your paradise. Desiderius Erasmus) Once home, I realized something Very Important. I need to work outside of my office. I’ll take a picture of my office someday and post it for you. The walls are deep green with gold glitter in the paint, so pieces of the wall sparkle. My desk is gigantic, a candy apple red lacquered monster. Some of my bookshelves, of course, touch the ceiling (I used to have many more books, but didn’t want to move them. When you trade in books at Half Price Books, they give you credit for purchases, a small sum. I got $300 purchasing credit for my trade-ins! Now, I have a moderate sum of books.) . Despite the dark and literary interior of my office, sometimes, inspiration stagnates even here. Where will I work? I decided I must get a laptop and work wherever I am led. One of the first places I will go to work, however, will be in the children’s book section of the bookstore … and the coffeshop. Also, I will be like Thoreau and write outdoors. Writing on a balcony at the Ritz Carlton of Naples, Florida has always been another goal. But there’s more.   SEEK THE RIGHT COMPANY   What led me to the bookstore was an advantageous visit from my grandmother and mother, both avid—true understatement—readers. They are the type of people who adore this quote: When I get a little money I buy books; and if any is left I buy food and clothes. Desiderius Erasmus. I’m sure my mother and grandmother have gone hungry so they could buy a new book instead. This may be why they also speak with such literary flavor. For example, my mother won’t say she’s confused, not even befuddled, but she’s “discombobulated.” She finds the word putrid amusing. As a result of her love of language, my three-year-old brother didn’t say things were funny: they were “hilarious.” Not all of this is an advantage, as you can imagine, because when you get out in public and say things like, “I’m going to maul you linguistically,” not everyone gets it….   Grandmother, on the other hand, has turn-of-phrase. For example, last night we taught my nonagenerian grandmother (even Spell Check doesn’t know nonagenerian—90-year-old) how to play Hearts (the card game). She led with the Ace of Clubs and took the first hand, so we directed her to place the four cards she’d earned next to her on the table. She looked at the cards, then held them up and said, “What am I supposed to do with these?” “Just keep them there,” we instructed. Grandma looked, as Mom would say, discombobulated. “Well, nobody else’s cards are sticking out like mine.” Her diction (word choice) inspires you to finagle words with wit. (Yes, finagle is one of Mom’s words and everyone at the table knew what nonagenerian was—it doesn’t even impress them.)   With these two around, my vocabulary perked up and it’s not what you’d call inspiration, though of course, Mom and Grandma do inspire me. But rather, their company consistently reminds me to embrace my vocabulary and diction, because they are enjoyable. Even fun! And having fun’s inspiring.   WITH MUSIC, DELIGHT   When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe. I am related to the earliest times, and to the latest. Henry David Thoreau Music washes away form the soul the dust of everyday life. Henry David Thoreau     I wrote one of my books to different songs, one song per chapter, carefully chosen to help me create the appropriate mood. Rather than just tell you that I like to write with music in the background, let me tell you what type. It might help, you never know. I write with music that doesn’t distract. One of my favorites for just about anything is actually a soundtrack I never would have suspected: The Lord of the Rings soundtrack (the original one). Someone bought it for me the Christmas the first of trilogy came out and I listened to it one day while writing. Man, it keeps me going! Also, I’ve found Eric Johnson’s Venus Isle (of Austin, Texas, lesser known, but considered by many to be one of the top 10 guitarists in the world at: http://www.artistdirect.com/nad/store/artist/album/0,,233664,00.html Listen with the Windows player for this one) subtly inspires as well as Enya (listen to some at: http://www.artistdirect.com/nad/store/artist/album/0,,82400,00.html) and Loreena McKinnett’s (two of my favorite CD’s, though I have most of them: http://www.quinlanroad.com/explorethemusic/maskandmirror.asp; http://www.quinlanroad.com/explorethemusic/thevisit.asp Note: When you join the Quinland Road community, I think they send you a free CD sampler…) For your convenience, links to samples of each musician’s work is included here. I don’t have music on the website because If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. (Henry David Thoreau); second, Most music isn’t legal to use on your website for longer than 30 seconds!     MY EMBARRASSING CONUNDRUM   I have a monstrous problem: I’ve learned something life-changing about PLANTS. My family members chuckle, roll their eyes, or at least wish my philosophical self would SHUT UP about this new discovery about PLANTS. Only it’s not a new discovery. You’re familiar with a polygraph test (lie detector)? Those things they use on the Jerry Springer show to determine whose brother’s sister’s cousin’s fraternal twin is the father of the baby? Now you know. A polygraph is like a battery detector for humans. It measures impulses (physiological, but I call them electrical) in relation to emotions. Hence, it picks up the stress lies cause in the heart, sweat glands, etc. In the past, plants have been hooked up to polygraph machines. A game of plant murder was played, in which one of six humans “murdered” a plant and when that person entered the room, the plant responded with stress—only with that person (Read an article on this at: http://www.inq7.net/lif/2003/jun/24/lif_22-1.htm ). In another case, a researcher boiled hooked a plant up to the polygraph, and boiled live and dead shrimp in the kitchen. The plant showed stress only when live shrimp were boiled (I know, scientific testing is so sympathetic…). One researcher claimed he thought about burning a plant’s leaves and it showed response. Other controversial and contested research shows plants’ reactions to music (they favor classical, and hate heavy metal). There’s more proof, which leads to some interesting dietary concerns. As Dr. Frank Dainello, philosopher and Professor and Extension Vegetable Specialist at Texas A&M University sarcastically pointed out: “… perhaps man should be made to experience extinction because after all, plants and animals feel pain and suffering, and since man causes so much of it he should be removed from the planet. It can be easily accomplished, we just don’t eat anything living, or that was once alive!” (http://aggie-horticulture.tamu.edu/extension/newsletters/hortupdate/julaug01/art5jul.html )  My point? As a writer, this fascinates the science fiction/fantasy side of me. I can incorporate this knowledge into my futuristic philosophies to create plant hypotheses for my stories. As a gardener, this makes annual trimming a guilt trip! 3-13-06 TO SELF PUBLISH OR NOT? GET YOUR BOOK PUBLISHED FOR FREE?; JACK OF GENRE IN PROCESS; PROBLEMS WITH MY WEBSITE SERVER; AUTHOR UPDATES; WHAT’S HAPPENING WITH OUR POSTAL SERVICE—TORN AND MISSING LETTERS?   TO SELF PUBLISH OR NOT? GET YOUR BOOK PUBLISHED FOR FREE?   Ben Franklin may have gotten his start and begun his fame while working as a publisher, but he had family connections and experience. Publishing’s not easy, not even with computers. I examined the Publish-on-Demand industry in my recently researched article for Jack of Genre (my monthly newsletter). Am I the only writer who gets a queasy feeling when thinking about the technical aspects of manuscript preparation? So, you want to publish your own book. Are you ready to prepare it, get it edited, market it, promote it (and yourself, of course), etc.? I hope you’ve subscribed to Jack of Genre, because if you have, we’re only beginning the question of whether or not to self publish. Let’s assume this is your first time here. Okay, here’s a BIG FREEBIE. Check out this website to learn how to PUBLISH YOUR BOOK FOR FREE, WITH NO SET UP FEE: http://www.lulu.com     JACK OF GENRE IN PROCESS   Jack of Genre: Newsletter for Writers is in process. Actually, I’ve sent myself the newsletter to look it over before sending it out to everyone else, so if you’ve subscribed, you’ll receive it on Monday. I don’t usually take hours preparing Jack, but this month I did, and the result is two well-researched articles: one on Print-on-Demand publishing (discussed above) and the other on Mistakes Writers Make with Literary Agents. Besides that, Angel Logan’s provided an article about her publication via Xlibris. I’m glad I can publish Angel’s article, because she’s a thorough writer and a fascinating person.   PROBLEMS WITH MY WEBSITE SERVER   If you read the blog often, you know Humdinger’s website doesn’t have problems with downtime. I’ve been awake at all hours of the night and day and have never seen the website down, but … now I’m having problems posting to the blog. I type offline, save my script as a Word document in Arial 11 pt. font, and paste to the page. What happens on the page is I get multiple font sizes. When I attempt to resolve this, the margins mess up. Last night, I had to give up and couldn’t post, hence, this extra section in today’s blog. I suspected the font might be to blame—perhaps it was incompatible. I changed to Courier font, worse margin problems. Now, I suspect the code on the page has an error somewhere OR the margins I’m saving the document in are too wide. What strikes me as funny is that this is as effective as opening a car hood to “look” at the problem while I have no earthly idea what I hope to find! If this continues, I’ll contact Website Wizard, but I don’t want to appear too dense…. NOTE: Problem was solved by switching to Times New Roman AND inserting a space bar between journal entries. Though I can’t be sure because I try many troubleshooting methods at once (all you analytical, logical types out there don’t try to understand the method to my madness—because it IS madness), I think the previous day’s journal entry has some messy code that upset today’s journal entry font formatting. Who says computers don’t teach you anything? Why, they teach you how to be patient with a computer that really belongs outside, on the concrete, in several hundred pieces.   AUTHOR UPDATES   Many famous authors send out monthly newsletters or updates. You don’t have to wait until then to create your own. The impact updates have is pretty incredible. Readers get to know and like you. I’ve had friends forward an author’s updates to me—on a regular basis! Through Angel Logan’s updates, I felt I knew her. In fact, I e-mailed her about the updates and told her how great I think they are. Her updates are simple, nothing complicated, but special. Whenever you’re ready to promote your book, have author updates. They’re cool.   WHAT’S HAPPENING WITH OUR POSTAL SERVICE—TORN AND MISSING LETTERS?   To show how different Humdinger is, I sent out Christmas cards to many, many writers. One I sent to India. Well, guess what? The writer sent me a letter back. Great, huh? Except I received a plastic US Postal Service bag with the envelope from India inside. Inside the envelope was NOTHING. The plastic bag has an apology of sorts, but come on. How did the letter turn up missing, but the envelope’s still here? Get this: the letter went through New Orleans. I can’t think why; I don’t live in Louisiana. This got me wondering, though. Did the government open the letter to inspect it for strange things? I was immensely agitated until I realized the sender of the letter didn’t put my zipcode. It’s difficult to get mail in the US without a zipcode. But I feel awful about it, nonetheless. What did the letter say? I’ll send an e-mail to the sender, but it just won’t be the same, will it? And where did that letter end up? I don’t know if I should worry or not…     3-7-06 LITERARY AGENT NIGHTMARE; WE NEED TO CHANGE THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY; MY EDITORIAL ASSISTANT IS WONDERFUL; MESSING UP THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE: I’M LOVIN’ IT DOESN’T WORK LITERARY AGENT NIGHTMARE Stephen King mentioned a mass quantity of rejection letters before he published Carrie. I think he discussed using a railroad tie to impale the rejection letters on the wall and before he sold that book, he’d just about filled the railroad tie full of rejection. Well, if we’re discussing experience, I’m no virgin to rejection. What I liked best were the rejection letters from these two literary agents: “We’re swamped with manuscripts now, but I like this. Send it back in six weeks” (I never sent it back); “I liked it, but didn’t love it and I have to love it to represent it” (probably a form rejection letter). I’ve kept most of the rejection letters, but some were so obviously form letters that I wondered what the point was in holding onto them. To count, I guess. I hate the business aspect of writing when it concerns my own work. Normally, I’m a cautious writer, but when drafting a stupid cover letter, I spend an hour and half looking at the damn thing. Did I spell my name right? Oh, I missed a space. Here’s the horror story (which I told one of our writers I’d share with you one day): I wrote a book for a literary agent. Don’t ask which one; I’d like to forget. In any case, I read his bio and what he said about the type of novel he’d like to see again inspired me to write a (third) novel. When the novel was completed, I sent the literary agent an e-mail to let him know I was sending the manuscript and it had a special importance to me. This was a single submission (not sent to anyone else), as his bio had inspired the novel. Several months’ later, I hadn’t heard back from him, so I e-mailed him and he told me he hadn’t received it. I thought, slush pile, but when I told him it was coming? Whatever. So, I resent the manuscript (both were sent snail mail). And, I didn’t hear back again. You won’t believe it if I told you he said he didn’t receive it---again. True. Either he wasn’t horribly organized (with a big agency such as his, it was possible), or I don’t know. Well, I don’t know. Two years later, I’m not sure I have three novels waiting for a literary agent that may never see one. Because I don’t want to write to one!  WE NEED TO CHANGE THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY Typically, this is how the publishing industry goes. Writer produces a novel. Writer sends part of the manuscript to suitable literary agents. Writer receives standard rejection letters. Writer wonders what’s wrong with his/her novel. Writer submits with a big publishing company. Publishing company seeks a represented novelist (with agent) and ignores or sends a form rejection letter. What’s wrong with the publishing industry? Are we so automated that we’re on robotic emotions now? I’m not, but guys, this is pathetic. For example, I published a poet a while back. The poet started his/her (let it remain a mystery) own e-zine/website, so to help with submissions, I sent him/her a poem and advertised the new website. Can you believe that this person, with whom I’d shared several e-mails, never responded? No form letter, just nothing! I don’t care what the heck he/she thought (with several hundred poems in waiting, I really don’t care), but what I’m into is courtesy. If I care enough to help writers and poets get their work together and send personal e-mails to them regarding their submissions, then don’t publish with me if you’re going to turn into just another literary snob. I’m here to help writers, not waste their time or mess with their emotions. Humdinger writers will tell you I’m overworked, but I always TRY to be considerate, caring and kind. My question is: WHY CAN’T THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY DROP THE SNOB SLOP AND SPEAK TO PEOPLE? Oh, I’m sorry, they’ve put me on hold … indefinitely. (But, Dear Reader, I’m right here, working with you guys every day IN PERSON). Let’s change the publishing industry one day at a time. When you get your lucky break, people, remember everyone behind you in line and if you’re a publisher one day, hire extra people personally address the needs and feelings of those who thought enough of you to submit with you. MY EDITORIAL ASSISTANT IS WONDERFUL  I just hired my editorial assistant, Chronika. She’s catching on quickly and while you may not be conversing with her in person, you’ll sense her presence in the improvement the website undergoes within the next month or so. I’ve been training for days and will continue the longest training I can imagine, because Humdinger’s not just a literary e-zine, it’s a new attitude toward publishing. MESSING UP THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE: I’M LOVIN’ IT DOESN’T WORK According to McDonald’s website, the I’m lovin’ it campaign began in 2003. Fast forward to 2006 and check the McDonald’s bag … yep, it’s still there. My father hates the term and I’ll admit I hated the first reference I heard of I’m lovin’, which was when I was told, “I’m lovin’ you.” Of course, I stopped right there with an explanation of what it meant (what English major wouldn’t?). You know what that means, don’t you? Does I’m lovin’ it mean we’ll love it tomorrow? Nope. It means I am in the process of loving it this second. So, in a way, makes you wonder why McDonald’s chose this term to represent it in 100 countries… Love today, hate tomorrow?   Respond to this in a Letter to the Editor, to be published here, if you wish.   3-2-06   CHRIS LETS LOOSE: for the love of English, read on! Politics, Testing, Technology, the loss of the English language, the state of Humdinger 2006 and more….   HOW THE EDITOR’S BLOG WILL EVOLVE: HAVE FUN ARE YOU A DIGITAL IMMIGRANT, you old fogey? SHOCKING TRUTHS: STATE/FEDERAL TESTING DESTROYS A LOVE OF LITERATURE! (If you’re a lightweight, skip this one!) MARCH 2006 HUMDINGER UPDATE JACK OF GENRE WILL ROCK YOU MORE: NEW LITERARY NEWS ELEMENT   HOW THE EDITOR’S BLOG WILL EVOLVE: HAVE FUN   You could say I’m in the mood for love, but I’m also fed up with what I’m seeing happen to the English language. If you read my earlier grammar posting, you’ll understand that if we don’t take a stand, English may not only evolve into something radically different and unintelligible, but it could devolve. Come on, people! Do you think it’s the Law of the Universe that languages evolve into something more refined? Does change always produce fantastic results? Um, Chernobyl, anyone? Well, just imagine the radioactive destruction of English, resulting in a language that, by the time you’re ready to retire (or have tea in China for your 100th birthday), you may not even understand your own language! That’s why I’m saying we’re gonna have some fun in the blog now, because I will open your eyes until they can’t remain closed. When your eyes open, though, do me a favor. Let me know! My e-mail’s all over the place, but I’ll put it at the end of today’s blog.   ARE YOU A DIGITAL IMMIGRANT?   Case in point. I read a deep article by Marc Prensky saying the new generation is a Digital-Native generation, raised with the mind-set and thinking of an available digital world. Meanwhile, we old fogeys (even if you’re in your 20’s we’re going to put you in the old fogey group—if you don’t believe me, just see what third and sixth graders do with computers these days!) formed our thinking based on a world of print and lesser technology. Don’t see the difference? Are you kidding me? If a middle-class kid these days doesn’t have all of the following, they’re losing popularity points: a computer (preferably with CD burner), high-speed Internet service, a video game system, a cell phone, an MP3 player, a DVD player with beaucoup DVDs, and an e-mail account. At school, middle schoolers create PowerPoint presentations (like they work for IBM or something!). In high school, they’re making digital movies! I’m surprised their shoes don’t have computers that minimalize the stress of walking. As the article pointed out, if these kids want to learn something, you can’t be thinking they’ll go to the library to check out some books. No, it’s Internet, baby. Honestly, do you know how to hook up everything kids these days use? Let’s face it, we’re in the heart of the Technological Age of history—we’re in the freakin’ Digital Renaissance! Well, I asked if you’re a Digital Immigrant. I guess if you’re not a digital native, then you must be. And where, my friends, will that take our glorious books? Better think now than regret inactivity later.   You can read Marc Prensky’s scientific, yet understandable article (Digital Natives, Digital Immigrants II) at the link below. He’ll use words like neuroplasticity, but in such a way that you felt you knew it all along…. http://www.marcprensky.com/writing/Prensky%20-%20Digital%20Natives,%20Digital%20Immigrants%20-%20Part2.pdf   SHOCKING TRUTHS: STATE/FEDERAL TESTING DESTROYS A LOVE OF LITERATURE!   This is SO my pet peeve! Years ago, several books described the crisis of American education. Kids graduated from school functionally illiterate (able to read but not to understand it). They went to work for nice Mr. Big Business and Mr. Big Business paid LOTS of moolah for king-sized, functionally illiterate mistakes. I’ll go more into detail on this in the future, but realize Big Business is very involved in education. Yes, Dear Reader, Corporate America dared place its hands in the portals of history and helped decide what our kids remember, forget, or never hear about at all. Why? Well, start researching who owns the companies who produce school textbooks. Oops! Did I let something slip? Corporate America (which has its pros and cons, my fellow materialist) pays truckloads of money to court politicians. They pressured the Federal government to produce an improvement plan with tangible results. Standardized testing. America: meet tests that make the SAT look like patty cake. Now, teachers might say, Oh, no, the SAT’s harder. People! Kids across America take exit level tests so demanding for graduation that some students spend 10 or so hours for just the English exit-level test. I’m not making this up: kids are leaving school at 6:30 and 7:00 PM after starting the test in the morning. Then, they take the History, Math, Science tests. Ha! SAT’s half that long…. Oh, I’m sorry. The SAT can be half as long as one of the four tests. Here’s the silver bullet, you good for nothing standardized vampire: how can kids read novels when they must prepare for these tests? Naturally, everyone, teachers would never teach just to the test all year, would they? The comment I heard a few years ago was, “Well, they can teach novels after the state test in March”! Ugh! Would it be accurate for me to say I’m inflamed? I’d rather barbeque the idiots who thought standardized tests would accurately gauge the multiplicity and talents of the internationally recognized creativity of Americans. Our children—our future—rests in the hands of a WHAT? If you can find a kid who’s read some science fiction or fantasy lately, consider yourself lucky. I don’t consider myself lucky at all, though. I’m terrified at the bleak horizons of national creativity and ingenuity.   MARCH 2006 HUMDINGER UPDATE   Bravo, writers! Humdinger 2006 is just about complete. You’re probably thinking, okay Chris, why are you writing in the darn blog then? I had to, if you can understand the sudden impulse to pour forth your condemnation of the destruction of your language. However, on a positive note, we’re working at restoring a love of old-fashioned, creative fiction that will courageously and irrevocably change America’s literary face with fiction that explores possibilities, that speculates about better or worse tomorrows, that engages the creativity of our minds so our society functions with a mind that not only meets change, but adapts! I’m not a Darwinist (because after all, I’ve seen my supposed forefathers at the zoo so uh, how did I evolve from the banana eating, poo slinging critters at the zoo and they’re still here? Right, whatever…), but I do believe we can improve the minds we have. I also believe that if you take away literature, the creativity that founds math and science innovation will fall flat on its formula-painted face. Not only must we writers write, but we MUST DEFEND AND SUPPORT OUR LANGUAGE and not sit here like sissies. I am a diplomat, friends. However, Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson made it clear there are times when even diplomats must voice their disapproval and institute change. If they had not done so, we’d be bowing to the Queen of England today (God bless the woman, but you understand that protocol doesn’t demand that of Americans because someone said—more gracefully I admit---I don’t think so!). Back to Humdinger direct: tonight I’ll connect the remaining links and I believe I’ll be lacking one poem and one short story. And yes! I just hired an editorial assistant today (who I’ll pay out of my own pocket because you know by now Humdinger’s too big for even three people). And how.     JACK OF GENRE WILL ROCK YOU MORE: NEW LITERARY NEWS ELEMENT   I decided Jack of Genre needs to focus on the politics, the business side of writing as well, so I’m adding a new Literary News element. You’ll LOVE it. I found the coolest articles with shocking information you just want to know. I can’t give it away yet. Since Jack of Genre only comes once a month (otherwise, it would kill me), I like what I’m going to write to be a surprise. As usual, it will also have some members only freebies. One day, someone’s going to look back and say, Wow, Chris, you really loved us for no damn reason. I’ll correct you, of course. I’m doing this because I love writers (so what if I’m a tad biased?). If you read this, promise me today that you’ll attempt to recall from near-ruin some vocabulary words near oblivion and bring them back to life in your writing. Love our language. Make it last, not the past.   You can subscribe to Jack of Genre before it comes out this weekend by clicking on this link: http://user98512.websitewizard.com/Jack-of-Genre-Registration.html     Evening out, from Chris Goebel, Editor of the electronic e-zine, Humdinger, hence, editor of Humdinger ‘Zine: Editor@humdingerzine.com     3-2-06   THE MIDNIGHT REPORT: WHAT CHRIS WAS DOING AT AROUND MIDNIGHT WHILE GETTING HUMDINGER MARCH 2006 ONLINE   Happy midnight or thereabouts. Let’s see. Since around 8 PM or so, I’ve been taking down the February 2006 Humdinger. I’ve already archived it and only have to complete the links later—but it’s scrollable now  and online. Contest entries will still be active within Humdinger’s main menu.   I’m tired, yes. For the past three nights, I’ve stayed up until 3 AM and gotten up at 7:30 AM. Tonight, I might not sleep. We’ll see how it goes. I think it took longer to archive than it will take to post the new Humdinger, but it’s tricky. Posting involves linking the pages all over the place, taking several minutes per page. If you’re publishing with us this month, you’ll have your own page and other pages in your genre link to it. Then, if you entered a bio, another link will link to that.   Authors this month are various (that’s an Editorial Moment)  and it was amazing to read the Suspense Short Story/Horror Poetry submissions. I won’t be judging, as usual. Tim Bruderek agreed to stay on as a judge and you can visit his page by clicking here to learn about him. He will be updating his page too and from the sound of it, regularly.   I’ll make this even more fun. If you’re awake and around, you can send me an e-mail, which I’ll keep on and check. Ask me a question and I’ll post it and the answer here. If no one responds, everyone is asleep and I’m crazier than I thought, because I’m not just lacking sleep, but I’m talking to myself! Ask your question at Editor@humdingerzine.com     Whew! I’m not insane; there are people awake right now! A writer just e-mailed me about a poem they’ll publish with Humdinger in the future. The concern was about punctuation, as it is with many writers. If you didn’t know, I offer writers whatever assistance they need, even if it’s a line-by-line edit (so long as it’s not so full of errors I can barely understand it myself). In this case, the writer’s language is practically flawless, but where to put that tricky punctuation? How about these two toughies? Know how to use them?   Semi-colons ; Use a semi-colon to connect two complete sentences (or as many as you want). If you could use a period there, then you can use a semi-colon. Why use it? To show the sentences are closely related in meaning. Here’s a true example (this is really happening with me at this very moment): Right now, I’m listening to Eric Johnson’s Venus Isle CD; his music is supremely inspiring, particularly this album.   Colons : Use a colon to introduce a list (with commas), an example, or a long pause before something significant. Here’s a rarer example of its use with poetry: A haze covered the sky with purple anguish: Heaven’s burdened sigh.     3-1-06   NEWS FROM CHRIS: E-mail Madness, What’s the New Generation Called and What that Makes Us, Humdinger #7 Underway, Expect the Midnight Report   I’m posting one of my stories this month. So, I sent it from my Yahoo e-mail account to the SAME Yahoo e-mail account. It went to my junk mail . . .   I read an article today that explained the new generation, since they were raised with technology, are called Digital Natives. Which makes us—horrors!—Digital Immigrants! According to the article (which I don’t have with me now, but it’s beautifully written and if you’d like me to forward it to you, just drop a line at Editor@humdingerzine.com), the Digital Immigrants might go to find information in a book first. Not so with Digital Natives: they use the trusty Internet. What do I use? Whatever’s handy, but I adore info-hunting on the ‘Net because the information’s more current. Now, if reading on the ‘Net could just be as comfortable as reading a book . . .   Humdinger #7, the March Edition, is underway this evening. At 9:20 my time or so, I haven’t begun pasting in the new and rearranging the old. Why? Handling last minute e-mails with story/poem adjustments, bios, etc.   I try very hard to do my Midnight Report, the report to the blog I make on the evening I post the next Humdinger, at exactly midnight. Last month, though, it happened at around 12:30 (Central Time). If you’re awake, well, stop by and see what’s going on . . .   2-27-06   RESPONSE TO 2-25-06 COLUMN ON CHANGING AMERICAN GRAMMAR   One of my friends read my previous column and remarked she enjoyed the article. We discussed it on the way to lunch (we had Monte Cristos at Bennigan’s if anyone cares to know) and agreed it’s anyone’s guess where our language will go. Writer/Poet Margaret Fieland sent me a letter concerning the article and made me realize at least one of the reasons why language is so important to us. I requested to share her e-mail with you. Thanks so much for sharing this, Margaret! Readers, note how well her anecdote and poem work together.   From Writer/Poet Margaret Fieland:   Chris, I really enjoyed reading your rant on current trend in writing. It reminded me of my father who was terribly picky about English grammar. We were always having conversations like the following: Dad: Who's that? Me: It's me. Dad: It's "It's I". Me: I know that, but nobody says that. Dad: No, you don't know, because if you did you wouldn't be saying that. Me: (grinds teeth). Dad: (proceeds to recap entire explanation of rules for pronouns--conjunctive/disjunctive, subject/object, etc.) Once I made the mistake of pointing out that in French "C'est Moi" is correct and was thus treated to the same explanation for French pronouns and the difference between the rules for the two languages. I can pretty much repeat the entire explanation in both languages to this day <grin>. Here is a poem I wrote about my father (entitled "If you were still alive") In spite of what I know everyone says About each successive generation Being deficient, Not as able, Morally superior Or grammatically correct As the one before, I am privately convinced Of the truth of the proposition That today's youth's knowledge Of the English language Is sadly lacking, And that even those Who should know better, To wit, Those writing for the local paper, Do not know how to properly use pronouns Or, indeed, That English has a subjunctive, A fact that you revealed to me When I came home and told you That French had a subjunctive but that English didn't So I just wanted to say that I still remember All that stuff and that in spite of my Extreme annoyance At your continual reptition of the entire rule And its complete explanation, Every time I said, "It's me" I want you to know that every time I hear someone misuse a pronoun I not only mutter under my breath, But I think of you and think,   "If you were still alive..."   2-26-06   HONEY, I SHRUNK THE SITE!   If you’ve noticed, things are growing small here at Humdinger. You can thank Dr. Nielson of a few day’s previous blog mention (see below) and his research. His test group raved about National Geographic’s teeny text (Arial 9). I didn’t go that small, but selected Arial/Helvetica 10 or 11. I worried that eye-fatigued fans wouldn’t be able to enjoy Humdinger, but as a friend of mine pointed out, those who need larger text likely have their monitors set at the necessary size. If you need more comfortable text, adjust your computer’s settings, which require some manipulation, but I’m confident you’ll find it.   Is this smaller font fine with you? Irk you? Let me know, people, before there’s a mutiny or something equally invigorating. To grin or gripe, e-mail me at: Editor@humdingerzine.com   2-25-06   WILL WE HAVE PUNCTUATION, CAPITALIZATION, ETC. IN FUTURE LITERATURE? (Something to worry about?)   I’m worried and don’t know if I should be or want to be. Lately, I’ve been exposed to several trends in contemporary writing. Let’s examine them and see what YOU think. I warn you, though, that if you adore the English language, you may become very peeved.   E-mails and Text Messaging: Writers are omitting capitalization. This has transferred into some students’ writing. Is this a wave of the future? Consider this: do we need capitalization? Why or why not? For example, is this okay: today, i went to the store?   The Music Industry: Writers are omitting spacing between words. I found this amusing, at first. Then, I wondered if it would become a trend that would take hold. After all, I didn’t need the spacing to know what was said. How about it? Is the following sentence valid? Wevaluedourcouponsaswal-martshoppers.   The Music Industry: Writers are experimenting (heavily) with spelling variations. It’s no wonder our youth spell things differently when the lyrics they read do the same. Shakespeare apparently spelled his name as many as six different ways (think I read that in Norrie Epstein’s The Friendly Shakespeare, an awesome book). Therefore, is it a crime to spell music, musik, just because you feel like it? I guess what I’m asking is if writers must always adhere to proper spelling.   Poetry, E-mails, Text Messaging, and the Music Industry: Writers are omitting punctuation. I believe that teachers encouraged the omission of punctuation when writing poetry to get students to write it. Well, now they’ve opened the Barrel of Monkeys. Poets send me poems daily without punctuation. For my part, I encourage and instruct them on how to use it to enhance their poetry. The current trend’s obviously to omit punctuation, let the reader figure it out.   Poetry, E-mails, Text Messaging, and the Music Industry: Phonetic Spelling I’m just calling it phonetic spelling because I believe I read the name before. In any case, this type of writing omits vowels particularly. The purpose is artistic and conserves space and time. I’m guilty of this on various occasions. My personal e-mail has a phonetic spelling. When I give it out in person, people often don’t understand it. Here’s an example. A guy writes a letter to his girlfriend. It reads: Im thnkn of u.   Let’s put the new trends together, shall we? Based on current trends any of us can witness on a given day, this is how the English language might appear in 20 years: smntharchrdswasalovlywmnwhohtdtowshdshesofcrsewholkestododshesnewayisrednt   Couldn’t get it? It reads: Samantha Richards was a lovely woman who hated to wash dishes. Of course, who likes to do dishes? Anyway, I sure don’t!   Can you dig it? Hmm. I wonder . . .   Let’s make this a public response! Respond with your ravings/ approval in an e-mail titled Letter to the Editor to: Editor@humdingerzine.com       2-22-06   WHAT A WEBSITE NEEDS ACCORDING TO NIELSON FREE PROMOTION FOR YOUR BOOK—PLAN AHEAD (BEFORE YOU GET A PUBLISHER OR AGENT!)     WHAT A WEBSITE NEEDS ACCORDING TO NIELSON   I’m enthused. At useit.com, Dr. Jakob Nielson of the Nielson Norman Group, which is recommended by the NY Times as a “guru” on web usability, tells us what web users want in a website. The article is long and is research-based, but I summarize its main points for those of you who’d like to have a rockin’ website one day. It’s not what you’d expect. For example, if you read on the ‘Net, you might be surprised to discover these web users don’t read; they scan. Web users in the test group preferred:   Concise language Professional and Informational All the information on one screen A search engine for the website Not too much scrolling No pun humor, but cynical humor instead Links to prove what you say/ provide alternative views Quick loading time Not too many pictures Captions with pictures No hype If downloads are provided, they’d better be quick And some, for real, don’t like hypertext links . . .   A website the test group commended was National Geographic’s, which you can visit at: http://www.nationalgeographic.com/   The concise organization of National Geographic’s website demands a 9 pt. Arial font, something some web users can’t read.   To read Dr. Nelson’s awesomely informative article, scroll down the page at: http://www.useit.com/papers/webwriting/writing.html Based on this research, I guess I’ll give smaller fonts a try. My eyesight, which you could wonder about since I seem so concerned about users’ eyesight, is fine and I easily read 9 pt. font. My concern comes from an understanding of what mature adults face—especially if they used to read by candlelight (after walking two miles to school each day in the snow). FREE PROMOTION FOR YOUR BOOK—PLAN AHEAD (BEFORE YOU GET A PUBLISHER OR AGENT!) Read it for yourself across the Web or take my word for it (less time consuming). Writers spend years developing promotional techniques for their books. And just because they have an agent/publisher, doesn’t mean they get the Primo Promotion Production for Literary Royals (give us a break!). Being a successful writer includes being Real. Therefore, plan your campaign and begin collecting promotional ideas well before that book’s published (but if you’ve already published, this will help you too). Case in point: Salvador SeBasco, an author I’ve recommended for his children’s book The Boy, The King, and the Chihuahua (http://www.ijustread.com/), is storming away on a blitzkrieg promotional campaign. Search out famous people and get their endorsement. That’s how Salvador got the First Lady’s endorsement (and I don’t care which party you support—I’m a diplomat, not a politician—a First Lady’s endorsement Sells Books). I’ll tell you where to find famous people too: at Book Fairs, promoting their books. I met the famous Mr. Stephen King at—where else?—a book fair (in Miami). Promotional, limited edition signed copies of Salvador’s book are selling from $50-$75. Who’s selling them? A comic book store that purchased 100 copies for resale, once signed. Of course, you’d hear about the book if you lived in Austin, Texas. If you go to the bank, Salvador’s doing a book reading there—at the bank! And guess who footed the bill for coloring books to accompany the reading? Salvador’s on the radio. He’s doing an audio book. At our local Favorite Mexican food restaurant, Salvador’s characters grace the ever popular Children’s Menu. Now I ask you, have you just received some stellar promotional ideas or what? Don’t forget to spend some time learning and admiring Salvador SeBasco incredible author (and person) at the above link. (Did I mention his dog’s fan club? Or the book reading at half-time during a basketball game? Oh, the list goes on!)   2-14-06   A LOVE POEM (hope some of you can put it to use!)   Fellow writers and poets, a love poem for you today:   The Valentine’s Gift 2-14-06 By Chris Goebel   Most of the day, I step into a dream: when I return home to your voice, soothing over an afternoon’s stress and think of how I’ve been blessed.   While others loved you for moments, I’ve loved you all my life, before today, or yesterday—since the day I was born, I awoke into a sunset with your smile.   While we laugh or cry or sigh or moan, we are not only never alone, but we are we— one thought, one action, one team . . . One Dream.         2-10-06   FEBRUARY JACK OF GENRE SENT THE ATTACK OF THE COLDS   FEBRUARY JACK OF GENRE SENT   Despite a hellacious bout with colds, I sent out February’s Jack of Genre yesterday. If you don’t know, Jack of Genre is Humdinger’s monthly newsletter for writers. Since the edition was ten pages, I believe once a month is a sufficient waiting period. Believe it or not, many readers wish for more frequent newsletters. Perhaps we’ve lost a bit of patience, but I find it refreshing to wait for a few good things to arrive. Reminds me of a sign I have in my garden: To Garden is to believe in Tomorrow. Gardeners don’t just cultivate soil; they cultivate patience! Incidentally, I’ve considered accepting ads for Jack of Genre, but part of me resists it. There’s something cool about having a newsletter that provides writers with something For Nothing. I had no idea how much I’d learned in the past few years of studying writing, but when I write articles for Jack of Genre, I realize I have even more to share. And why not? I have no intention of becoming successful alone. Hopefully you too, Reader, will achieve your literary goals alongside me.   THE ATTACK OF THE COLDS   Abnormally warm weather has beset Austin with one bout of colds or ‘flu after another. Possibly, our reactions could be related to pollen. But, good grief! I haven’t been sick so often for so long Ever. Everywhere I turn, someone’s got a headache, is blowing his/her nose, has a scratchy throat, general malaise, etc. This past week, I’ve gone to sleep at a record breaking 8 or 9 PM almost every night (until Thursday night’s Jack of Genre). I get home from work, eat dinner, watch a Star Trek episode (am still watching one a day from my birthday present of three seasons of the original Star Trek), and sleep. I suppose the several-month project of constructing a 40-year, indestructible tar-glob roof on my workplace hasn’t helped me heal, either. Sometimes when I breathe, I’d swear tar fumes have caught at the back of my throat. This isn’t an excuse, mind you, but an explanation for anything I haven’t gotten to lately. I know, some editors don’t feel the need to inform writers of their momentary (and I might add necessary) time lapses, but I do. I haven’t put off anything for last or forgotten or decided not to continue, etc. I’m very dedicated to writing and writers and have no intention of stopping Humdinger. In fact, I still have auspicious dreams for Humdinger and its writers! Just so you know, though, I appear to be recovering. Please pray for me or whatever you do to make people better, because I’d like to get on with this valuable work.   2-2-06: THE MIDNIGHT REPORT   It’s after midnight, but it’s the thought that counts . . .   I’ve been working on Humdinger throughout the day, during lunch and from the moment I arrived home this afternoon. Work has been progressing quickly, but that could be because I didn’t dare check my e-mail . . . yet. Also, I’m using a different computer and the experience has proven I need a faster computer in the one inch away from my face future.   What’s going to be placed last on the ‘Zine are the Writing Contest entries. Not because they’re the least important—nothing is the least—but because I have the most entries awaiting those categories. No Sci-Fi this month did bother me. I’m fond of stories in all sections and perhaps more fond of the writers and poets who shared them with us.   An upgrade in this month’s ‘Zine are the double arrows, one at the top and one at the bottom of each story or poem. This allows you to peruse Humdinger as you would a regular magazine: either reading it in its entirety (preferred) or just reading what you like.   Weather’s rainy, I’ll make it this evening without qualms (I hope). I think I’m actually developing a system. January’s Humdinger will require more time to archive because each writer had his/her own page, so I might finish that by next week. Jack of Genre will come this weekend.   A few stories/poems are in the works and should appear in the ‘Zine by the weekend. Thanks for checking in with me. Can you believe I worked all of this evening without music?   2-1-06   THE FEBRUARY EDITION NEWEST EDITOR TO BE ANNOUNCED SOON CONTEST JUDGING TO BEGIN AGAIN SOON WHAT I’VE BEEN DOING (Editorial stuff and Gardening)   THE FEBRUARY EDITION   February’s Humdinger will be completed (for the most part) by February 2nd. I discovered that making things due on the 1st never works, so I usually schedule new editions around the 2nd or 3rd of the month. After that, it takes a few days to get the website in working order, with links to bios, etc. Contest entries will continue to be posted to the website, though we have already selected fiction and poetry for February’s Humdinger.   NEWEST EDITOR TO BE ANNOUNCED SOON   Humdinger’s newest editor will be announced after the Writing Contests are judged for January. We had to wait quite a while to get entries posted. By far, Stream of Consciousness has been the most popular contest we’ve held. I can’t count how many submissions weren’t accepted, though we’re not snobby. Humdinger will work with writers to help them get ready for publication, so don’t let that stop you from submitting.   CONTEST JUDGING TO BEGIN AGAIN SOON   Tonight, I’ll send an e-mail to Humdinger contest judge Tim Bruderek to let him know it’s time to judge January’s contests. Tim did a wonderful job last month and I look forward to discovering last month’s winners!   WHAT I’VE BEEN DOING   I’ve been working with our newest editor to get a uniform editing policy established. The mystery editor’s an awesome editor and I can’t wait for you to get to know this person. Also, I’ve been responding to e-mails from familiar writers and poets, as well as editing and proofreading for possible future submissions. This I did despite fighting a virus that’s hitting our city hard and refusing to leave on time. Oh, my personal life? (As if I have one after a day job And Humdinger!)   Since it’s been unseasonably hot, I’ve been gardening and dreaming of gardening. I hunted down some wild Texas mountain laurels and transplanted them to my yard. It was a great deal (if they live) because for the size I found, the normal cost is $100 a plant. I got two at that size and two at the $20 size for the cost of shoveling on a hot day. Texas mountain laurels are poisonous—all parts, so if you write mysteries, there’s another plant to use as a murder weapon. Why are they so special? The leaves are glossy green year-round and the flowers are long, purple, grape-scented beauties. You might remember I’m a fragrant gardener, so I appreciate mountain laurels and also plan to acquire some new scented German bearded iris for August planting. Iris have lemon, grape, bubble gum, citrus, vanilla, sugar and more fragrances. Interested in iris, which grow in every state in the U.S.? Try Schreiner’s, which has to be one of the top iris bulb providers in the country. They have a FREE IRIS CATALOG now at: http://www.schreinersgardens.com/   I have not been writing, but at least February’s upcoming Jack of Genre newsletter for writers will force me to write some articles! Make sure you subscribed, or if you need to before I send out Jack of Genre this weekend, here’s the link: Jack of Genre Subscribe Link   CLICK HERE TO VISIT MORE OF THE ECLECTIC EDITOR'S BLOG ARCHIVE.